Friday, January 18, 2008

Living the life...

I'm living the life I have dreamed of for years. I am loved, living in a foreign country, and surrounded by children at all times of the day. I can afford to feed myself and I'm (sortof) paying off loans. I am content; and yet I have a nagging itch, a loneliness, a creeping feeling of discontent. For the past year I have been saying that I want to be in one place, settle a bit, relax and enjoy community, but that isn't what I'm doing. I feel sometimes like I'm stretched thin, my resources fading, and my composure beginning to crack. I want to go home, back to Canada, but internally I know that is no solution because I have no plan for when I return. I feel pushed and bent sometimes, with pressure cracks beginning to show. Maybe I need peace. I'm not used to living in a city, and although I have peaceful hills I can climb near my house, there is no silence from city noises. I'm a country girl stuck in a city of millions all living on top of one another. How do I find peace for myself in a city of chaos, noise, and uncomfortable cultural differences?

I have noticed some of my friends are also acting as though under pressure. Some from loneliness, others from frustration with cultural differences, a few with feeling powerless and impotent, and most with all of the above. How can I help? I want to be there for the people I care about, but I can barely "be there" for myself. I have always found meaning in helping others, but in a place where I feel crippled, my support often feels more like a hindrance. I'm agitated and antsy while also feeling morose and lethargic. I want to do something to help. I need to express myself , but I'm not sure how.


  1. i know this feeling...and so sad to hear that you are feeling stretched to the max! But remember although you are doing many things you've always wanted to do, its not an easy job and its not an easy place to live. I commend you for how well you have embraced the experience, when I know many others who have not done so well.

    You're brilliant. I MISS YOU!

  2. Sometimes you need to recharge for a while before you can start helping other people (and you are so good at helping people, Becky!).

    I am excited.

    - Ziporrah = Rachel
    I'm thinking of changing my name.

  4. Hi!

    This feeling you describe seems to be in many. I have seen it in Canada, the US, Guatemala, South Korea, and more. I think it has to do with our innate need, perhaps genetic, to create. Most of us are trying to create a static existence, while perhaps the opposite, or at best a blend, is called for.