Tuesday, October 23, 2007

weddings and friendships

There's something about friends getting married that makes me sad, out of happiness for them and also mourning for myself. I know it sounds selfish, mainly because it is. I feel like my friendships are never the same once a person gets married, and it's not always the friend who is awkward. Something about marriage makes me pull away. Same with dating I suppose.
A friend of mine got married this past month and I missed the wedding because I've been here. To be honest though, I have only kept in touch on and off with him for years. I saw him during the summer and it felt so strange. I don't really know his wife very well either, which makes me uncomfortable. Some women just can't handle their men having close friendships with other women, and I didn't know what to do. Do I hug him after not seeing him for a few years or not? I hugged. He wasn't married when I saw him, but when I left I felt like I was saying goodbye to our friendship. This guy used to be like a big brother to me and got me through some pretty tough times before university and during my first year. Unfortunately, I move around a lot and our friendship kind of went on hold. Now he's married and living on a ranch and I'm in Korea, teaching English. I haven't kept in touch with his life and he hasn't kept in touch with mine. We've lost that common ground that keeps a good friendship. It makes me sad.
Too bad I feel that way about most of my older friendships. I have one or two friends that I've had for more than a decade, but I'm a notorious friend-abandoner and none of them are close friendships anymore. Soon, I would like to stay in one place and build a community of close friends. Maybe that's really my problem. I really and truly just need a long-term place in a community.
Korea is awesome, but I kinda just want to go home, wherever that is.


  1. I understand what you are writing about here. Both the "friends become attached and then the friendship changes", and the "friends losing touch over time" thoughts.
    I think of how technology has advanced so much that we are actually able to chat over a video phone via skype, or send mail at a click of a button... but we don't. I don't know why really, but I do understand the feeling of loss as friends move slowly, further into the past.
    Community is tough to live in.. but tougher to leave.

  2. I've always felt awkward after a friend(s) gets married, or in a close relationship - it's so awkward. Where do you fit in? Will their "other half" feel like you're stepping on their toes? With one friend, it was so special anytime we had time ALONE because even though I loved her husband as a friend, our time together had become time with him too. It's very difficult & confusing!

    I've been thinking about "home" lots too. The closest I've got for what home is is people...and I remember one time last year in the TV room (of all places) at SSU with some people and this thought came unbidden that "these people are home". What do you think? Do you think home evolves over the years, but some people/places are also always a piece of home? Been thinking of this so much!